Introduction

Do you ever wonder why it can be so difficult to get along with the people you love the most - your own family members? I have come to realize that all adversity, whether it be political, economic, or relational, has as its root cause, power and control. The following information is written in order to conceptualize this idea as a framework for relationship problems, and thereby assist people in improving their most intimate and important connections. This material presents principles and strategies to help you stay in control of your own thoughts and emotions, and not to be influenced or controlled by external circumstances or other people. The Eight Principles of Love Theory as described here will allow you to maintain love and respect for yourself and others. The foundation for all of this is: having a strong sense of self, well developed spirituality, and empowering belief systems. You can then make the right choices to stay in control - and to love unconditionally.

As a practicing marriage and family therapist I have noticed that of the many and varied theories and therapies that were developed over the last century, all tend to build one upon another, and many of them seem to borrow one from another; I have also taken that liberty. This workbook is a different approach to theory however, in that it is not research based in the traditional, empirical sense. I am chiefly following upon the shoulders of the tremendous work of the men and women who have crafted psychological and counseling theory, beginning with its origins in the mind of Sigmund Freud more than 100 years ago. My research has all been anecdotal, from my own life and from the observations and reports I have gained through family members and clients. I am qualified to construct this theory; because of my training and my credentials as a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist. But most of all I believe I am qualified because of my life experiences as a wife and as a mother.

I have taken my lead from the "master" Murray Bowen (1978) who developed the first systemic approach to counseling through his personal efforts to apply his theory to himself and his own family. One of Bowen's original underlying assumptions that led to the development of Family Systems Theory was that, "external systems frequently determine internal feeling states"!

I have also learned what works and what doesn't work - through lessons gained from being married for 40 plus years to my husband Tom - and from raising our youngest child, Kristen, who has a severe developmental disorder, and a severe conduct disorder. I have tried most of the accepted theories and related therapies, or parts of them, on Tom, Kristen, other family members, and of course, clients - and found them all to be helpful - in part.

As do most clinicians practicing today, I use an integrated approach, which simply means borrowing parts and pieces of whatever theory or theories seem to match up with the clients needs. No one theoretical method can be definitively determined to be better than others. In fact the only constant as to why clients make fundamental changes in their lives and their relationships with others is because of the quality of their relationship with the therapist! Clients responding to questionnaires report overwhelmingly that the reason therapy was a success was that they felt accepted, understood, and cared for by their therapists. This has caused me to wonder. . . What is it about a therapeutic relationship that makes the client feel safe, and respected, and willing to make changes?

Could it be the unconditional positive regard that was first practiced by Carl Rogers? (1946) Rogers developed a client-centered, person-centered approach to counseling. He stressed that personal characteristics and attitudes of the therapist such as accurate empathy and authenticity, combined with the quality of the client/therapist relationship, to be the prime determinants for successful outcomes. It is clear to me now that what Rogers was modeling for future generations of therapists and clients, was the necessary components for lasting change in a relationship. He was practicing what I am now naming Love Theory and Love Therapy.

I do not presume to place myself in the company of those many giants in the field with what I am about to write. This book is a pragmatic reflection on what I have learned from coursework and experts in the field, as well as clients and family members, in order to help people improve their relationships. I am including annotated references to cite the authors I have studied, and to encourage interested readers to research these materials for themselves. Primarily, I am writing for the benefit of non-professionals. I hope to give spouses, parents, other caregivers, in fact, anyone who is experiencing difficulty in relating to a significant other, some simple tools to use to improve those relationships. That is my mission and that is why I have written this.

The idea for a "new" theory has come about for me gradually, as I have noticed that the therapy I now practice is based strongly on the concept of unconditional positive regard. (Carl Rogers's terminology) The techniques and interventions added to this are a compilation of the work of many writers and theorists, but the basic underlying theme is what The Bible calls unconditional love. An accurate and precise definition was first written down in I Corinthians 13 in the New Testament.

The foundational truth described in those verses is loving people as they are - and not trying to change them or control them in any way. This is certainly what we all desire to have in our relationships, but unfortunately most of us fall woefully short. Why? Children are taught from infancy about conditional love. They learn early in life that if they behave in certain ways, they will be rewarded. If they behave in certain other ways, they will pay a price that may feel like a withdrawal of love to them.

I must tread carefully here, because I do not want to imply that parents only love their children when they behave in acceptable ways. What I do want to say is that children can receive that message, unintentionally, over time, if they frequently hear disapproval from us. We sometimes give our children the message that we will love them more if they will get good grades, practice good hygiene, cultivate friends we approve of, etc. I was certainly guilty of that kind of manipulation. To this day I find myself trying to get Kristen to wear certain clothes that I think make her look more attractive than the faded, oversized tee shirts and jeans she prefers.

Conditional love is how power and control begin in relationships. Every culture in recorded history has exemplified power and control as a given, if not a value. Patterns can be set as family members, especially parents, exert power and control over their children and also over each other in subtle, and not so subtle, ways. Power and control always cause resistance, and resistance usually causes resentment. The resentment can turn into other negative feelings, which build up inside and can cause a whole range of emotional and even physical problems, if the hurt is not expressed in appropriate ways.

My intention in this book is to spell out in simplified, layman's terms how to give those we are in relationship with the love and respect that we all long for. My knowledge of human behavior and how systems of any kind work, inform me that when one person in a relationship makes a change, a reciprocal change will occur in the other person or persons. Therefore, profound lasting change can begin with one person. McGoldrick & Carter (2001) This requires having inner peace, good self esteem, and emotional control. These things are supposed to emanate naturally from us when we have a strong sense of self, a well-developed spiritual life, and empowering belief systems. They allow us to maintain love and respect, even while our significant others are not responding in appropriate, caring, ways. However, I am living proof that no matter our training, education, or level of desire, these attributes do not come naturally. They all take hard work, discipline, and determination to achieve. Nevertheless, by practicing this and by learning and internalizing the eight principles this material is based on, we can succeed. We can improve our relationships with significant others.

It is necessary to point out here that this theory and this book is in no way an attempt to promote religion or any particular belief system. What I am advocating - wholeheartedly - is the need to embrace unconditional love as the solution to problems in relationships. And this is part of the first principle behind Love Theory: loving others absolutely and accepting them for who they are - simply because they are unique human beings. The problem with having this kind of love is that it is very difficult to do. In fact it can be done - if and only if - we first love ourselves and accept ourselves for the unique human beings that we each are. That is the most important part of principle # 1. The Bible doesn't really explain how we are to do this, however. If we have some past hurt or trauma in our lives, (And who doesn't?) we can become trapped in bitterness and fear of being hurt again, and therefore, not able to love others, much less ourselves, unconditionally. Addressing all of this has been the role of psychology and counseling, as well as an emphasis in the study of spirituality. Unfortunately, until quite recently, spirituality was considered to be an unacceptable topic for discussion in the counseling room. There have some tremendous breakthroughs within; the last ten years - or less - however, that have revealed the deep need for conversations to help clients explore their spiritual selves. Burke & Miranti (1995), Kelly (1995), Ingersoll (1994), and Walsh (1999). Developing one's spiritual self is principle # 2.

Many truths have been discovered, researched, and applied over the past century, since Freud first began to postulate his understanding of the human psyche. I believe we are now at a place where theory and application can be combined to explain these truths, in a way that the average person will find useful. If he/she is willing to put in the dedication and determination necessary to make important changes in their thoughts, behaviors, and belief systems, this can happen. These changes will make profound differences in the way they relate to those they care about. Changing belief systems is principle # 3.

The major learning I have acquired about the need for therapy based on love is from my struggles raising Kristen, who has a significant developmental disability similar to Autism. Kristen does not have Autism in the classic sense as she very much desires to be socially connected. She enjoys the company of others and wants to be in relationships with them. There is no such person as a stranger - or an enemy - for Kristen. She has poor social skills however, and that can be a major barrier to what she is trying to accomplish in her social attempts. Kristen also has a severe language disorder that makes her speech difficult to understand. She talks in misarticulated, telegraphic, utterances. She has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and has also been diagnosed with a conduct disorder, which is evidenced by obstinant, defiant behavior. Some of the acting out is because of impulsivity and compulsivity that are characteristics of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, (PDD), which is her primary diagnosis. However, one of the original insights of understanding that I had of her behaviors was that Tom's and my reaction to her defiant behavior was causing it to increase. In fact this understanding is the basis for my belief that Love Theory is the answer to most if not all relationship problems, starting with behavior/conduct problems. I will develop this idea in subsequent chapters.

For now it is important to say that my husband and I have undergone much effort over the years to be the parents that she needed us to be. Kristen is the youngest of five children. She was born when I was almost 40 years old and, I thought, wiser and more able to be a better mother than I was to her brother and three sisters. As the years went on and it became more evident that she was seriously limited intellectually, we attempted to find the best programs and opportunities for her to thrive in. I didn't realize for a long time however, that what she needed the most, we were not giving her. She needed tight structure in a daily routine. She needed discipline that was immediate and fair, but always positive and given with calmness and an even temper. My disciplinary methods were hit or miss at best with my older children. I overlooked or ignored lots of misbehavior on some days. On other days, (depending on my internal mood) I would react in screams and shouts and even slapping and hitting.) I had been raised in a very authoritarian home. My father was very strict and not available emotionally. I was the middle child of five and felt that I was picked on and accused unfairly. My father also had what I now call a rage disorder. And, it seemed to me, that I was always the beneficiary of his angry outbursts.

My husband Tom, in contrast, was raised in a home with a disconnected, distant father. No one was in charge. His mother was very passive and allowed whoever wanted to be in control on a given day to take that role. Consequently his home life was chaotic in the sense that almost anything he or his brother or sister wanted to do was tolerated. He was the oldest child, so in some ways he became a father figure. As no one else was in authority he eventually took over that role, which he came to enjoy over the years. Because he has a compliant personality and is a rule follower by nature, Tom did not cause dissension in his childhood home. It wasn't until he became the parent of non-compliant teenagers that his authoritarian nature began to rise up. Because our older kids had normal cognitive functioning, they were able to figure out that when Daddy gets really mad, they had to back off and do what he said.

When Kristen's obstinance first began to surface, his response to her was the same; he became more demanding and controlling. Unfortunately his escalating angry feelings - instead of causing her to stop misbehaving, as her siblings had been clever enough to do - triggered a higher emotional response from Kristen. It would only end when he would scream and shout and slap her, or send her to her room.

A very wise psychiatrist (who was the first to give her the diagnosis of PDD), told us when she was only about eight years old what we could expect from her behaviorally - because of her impulsivity and compulsivity. He said a lot of things, but the one that I remember so well, and yet have not been able to resolve until recently, was that, because of her disability, Kristen was not able to control her own affect - her outward expression of feelings. He warned us that she will reflect back whatever level of emotionality she gets from us. I heard him, obviously, but I was not able to control my own emotional level for a very long time. And that is the basis for why Love Theory has been developed, and why Love Therapy works.

To schedule an appointment for a free interview or to get more information call: